Lying on a blue recliner

The scene: I am on the recliner next to the piano, listening to my dad play some nice sonatinas.
Enter Shannon. She says, "If you went up to bed, you wouldn't have to just lie around."
I reply, "But then my life would consist only of sleeping and work."

So the question: Is it a good idea for me to get more sleep but sacrifice my happiness? Would it be more wise to sacrifice an hour or two of sleep (which is not very restful anyway) for some down time? What is down time? Is it wasted time? What else do I have to do besides just lie around?

I feel like my life is very monotonous right now. I am counting days, but no one is counting with me. At work, I am surrounded by people, but I still feel alone. It's hard to connect with people when they are older than myself, and have such very different habits and lives. I pass the breaks by reading my books. It is not a painless way to spend a break. It just helps to make the time move faster, which just deepens my rut. The only thing worse than being in a deep rut, is realizing just how long you've been in it. I have tried finding things to do in my evenings after work. The problem is that I can't seem to focus on my free time enough. My time at work drags on and on, but as soon as I get home, the night is over. I forget to do things that used to be exciting to me. I forget to do things that used to be habit. Looking back on the last several weeks, my only memories are working and then waking up to go back, again and again. Is it wrong to give in and accept that? If I continue to live the way I am now, will it crush me? I think if something doesnt change soon, I will lose hope in a bright future. I want to be happy, but I think I need more than what I have now.

What have I done before now to keep myself happy? What has changed? 1) I am running mournfully low on friends these days. One by one, they leave, and I will have to wait two years to really pick things back up again. And it's hard to maintain long distance friendships, especially when there is so little time to talk. I used to be able to walk 20 yards and visit any number of excellent friends, but now it is rare that I ever see anyone outside my family. 2) I used to go to choir practice four or five times a week. And for the last seven years I have played an instrument in band or orchestra. Now I am lucky if I make it to one choir practice, and I'm not too impressed with our sound. It's a little despairing. 3) I used to have a routine that involved changes throughout the day. While at school, I would get up and go somewhere every hour, I would study a different subject every hour. Have you noticed that when you write a paper on the same topic for extended periods of time, you get dang tired? It is physically and emotionally draining to do the same thing hour after hour, day after day. I'm running into the months now. I just can't do it anymore. 4) I used to eat healthy, regular meals. I even had snacks between classes. Now, I eat a piece of toast for breakfast. And I eat it hesitantly. I have lost my appetite. I eat candy for lunch, with a side of soda. Dinner is my only real meal, and I only eat it because it keeps me alive. Thursday is my night to cook, but nothing seems appetizing, and I don't have the creative energy to think of something. If someone would just make sure we had a stock of Mac & Cheese, I would just do that, for simplicity's sake, and call it done.

Will I ever have them again? Friends, music, variety, hunger... These are a part of me, they are my recipe. They are necessary components of a happy life, at least for me. Will I need to come up with an entirely new definition of Happiness? Why can't I have them? Is there a word for my experience now? It would have to denote fatigue, lack of motivation, discomfort, a struggle for mental focus, and probably other draining things. Occasionally I am happy. Last Friday for instance, two of my friends came by and took me out to play pool and have milkshakes. Outings like this seldom happen, with all our busy schedules, but for an evening, I forgot all my sorrows. Last Thursday, I went to choir practice, and for an hour and a half, forgot all about my job. I need more moments like this, but they are so hard to come by. I need for something in my life to improve, and I desperately need a good friend. A call or a visit from a friend would be a breath of fresh air indeed.